Overcoming Fear to Lead and Grow

Fear. It’s one of those emotions that will always rear its ugly head, and to be fair it can be a paradoxically encouraging impetus.  It’s fight or flight. It’s an indication of a deep insecurity or about really caring about what you are doing.  The important thing is to identify whether what you feeling is a positive or negative force, that the consequences of acting upon or ignoring the fear will move you forward, hold you back or worse destroy what you have built.

This year I have come to realise that I have been fighting mostly external fears trying to exert pressure and influence.  This has affected how long it has taken to get to this point and has quite frankly razed a lot of what I accomplished in the last 2 years with my first documentary e18hteam, affected both my professional and personal relationships, battered my self-esteem and has made me question everything.  The good thing is that going through the process has allowed me to identify a few things which really crystallised after I went to the BongoHive Talk Leading the Creative Spirit.

The talk moderated by Rachel Adams, founder of Narachi Leadership, and featuring  leadership insight from  Joseph Hundah, CEO of Econet Media, made me admit to some of the pitfalls I have succumbed to as I fought to retain my voice, values, principles and integrity.  I have excused some of them when really I could have done better to avoid them. The experience, advice, lessons learnt and the leadership qualities, mechanisms and process imparted with the theory behind to further illuminate the ideas being shared, really helped reinforce things I have already been mindful of and am looking to and/or continue to improve. They also reinforced my belief that I do have something to offer, and this multimedia experiment reimaging African storytelling is my calling. I can be at the helm of the ship ZeDream Team and I are navigating through the stormy seas and we will find our treasure. And unlike pirates we’ll share with you because we care!

These are the takeaways from this year of failure and perseverance:

DON’T LET OTHER PEOPLE’S FEAR HOLD YOU BACK

Don’t let other people’s fear thwart you.  Many will tell you they know what you should do, give you unsolicited advice, try to sabotage your efforts, will poo poo  your ideas and what you are doing to.  They will do this hold you back, keep you under their thumb as they are scared it may affect what they are doing, that they are not needed or that they will be left behind and cast aside. Worse is some people may not realise their words and actions towards you are underhanded in this way.  Do not let the fear of not adhering to their views and following their plans force you into submission if that is not the path you should be taking. The truth is  there is no tried and true way to make the transition from success to the next thing. Especially when its your first creative project to your sophomore offering.  Any success that then leads to the next thing is difficult to navigate.  I am not trying to replicate e18hteam with A.C.E. What I am trying to do is move forward with the momentum the documentary created and challenging myself by believing I can do more and be more.  Most importantly the project is a response to my interactions, experiences and the inspiration the ZeDream Team have given me long before we assembled.  Each of them has great faith in my abilities and what I have already accomplished and have the potential to achieve.  Each of them has given me great counsel.  Each of them has been non-judgmental and accepting of our differences.  Each of them has connected with me on profound  and multiple levels.

I AM A LEADER

Still accepting this fact. Even an
empowering photoshoot with Mafashio
for my 35th birthday this year
hasn't quite had this fact sink in.
Photo Credit: Fortress Media

I know this seems rather silly to state but I have had a hard time coming to terms with that fact.  When I do the things I do, create the things I create, become passionate about my passions, it always starts from an internal catalyst. Once I have worked through the feeling or inkling to give shape and form to the idea, I then work backwards using my education and experience in Communication to figure out if what I am thinking is viable and how to go about manifesting it in the right place and targeting the right audience.  A.C.E. is a  personal response to those who follow me on social media and those whom I have met on the journey e18hteam took me around Zambia and the world. It is a visceral reaction to the events that have unfolded in my country and the repercussions. It is an active way of processing the world around me, and sharing with other in order for us to grow together.  I may not necessarily have sought to become a leader, but in doing this I am and I need to own it.  I need to commit fully to what that entails.  I need to believe that I can and am already. My purpose is to create environments and content for people to be able to share, freely express their goals and fears and for us to work together to find solutions and move forward.  I am leading by starting conversations so that you can add your voice.  I need to be A.C.E. so we can be A.C.E together.

LEADERSHIP IS NOT STATIC BUT FLUID. WE ARE ALWAYS LEARNING, GROWING, EVOLVING

Leadership is a journey made up of many journeys, not a finite destination.  There are highlights, stops and milestones along the way, as well as multiple paths to be taken, but it is a never ending process.  The moment you are stagnant and stop, that is the moment you stop leading.  If you never realise that you are stuck, you can have a serious detrimental effect on the people around you who look to you for direction, guidance, support and purpose.  Either you will have a revolt on your hands or if you are extremely charismatic, you will lead people who will follow you blindly into the depths from whence you cannot escape. It is important to constantly check in with yourself and those around you, provide a safe space to be able to get feedback, to brainstorm and troubleshoot both for yourself to reflect and for others to engage you.

I am still in the process of learning how to lead effectively and consistently.  This mad scientist luckily has guinea pigs who don’t seem to be that affected by the fact that things have fallen apart far worse than they did for Okonkwo.  Luckily unlike the protagonist in Chinua Achebe’s famous tome, I have not let the universe continue to conspire against me, but have found a way to turn things around meteorically.  Things are getting back on track smoothly. I have been inspired by the challenges to overcome, not to fold and admit defeat.  Leadership is a commitment – if you take up the mantle, you’ve got to do the work to deserve the elevated seat bestowed upon you.  You have to use your voice wisely as it will be amplified. You must use your influence strategically and not succumb to the way of the despot, becoming drunk with power. You need to respect your potency and those who acknowledge and respond accordingly. For a while I was closed off, seriously and artificially limiting my interaction with the world out of fear of things getting so bad that I would never regain control or worse, that I would have irreparably lost the relationships and access to resources that are important to my well-being and growth as a storyteller.  If all that turned out to be true, A.C.E would be buried under all of that. I would have to abort before the project could be given life.  Luckily things were not as desperate as they seemed once perspective was found.

ACCEPT YOU WILL BE VULNERABLE, YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES AND YOU WILL BE SCARED.

I have never been afraid of my vulnerability and revel in my humanity.  Some of my biggest mistakes have led to the biggest opportunities, and the fears I have felt have spurred me on to create, succeed, to chart new paths and venture out and experience the best (and the worst) of life. However, people like their leaders to be invincible, to lay down the law, to sniff out weakness and to snuff it out.  Zambians and Africans in particular have grown up with with that rigid form of leadership whether it is at home with their parents, or their leaders deciding that they will remain in a position of power from beyond the grave. Expressing and owning your vulnerabilities is not always welcome as people aren’t used to it and are afraid of what it means: sharing that your are struggling and the process of finding your way back to the surface when you are drowning. Admitting that you don’t know something. Saying that your feelings are hurt and that actions towards you have had a negative effect. These are considered hammering nails into your coffin. I  however have no desire to be impervious and unflappable or to seem so.  It is ultimately not a productive way to go about life.  You end up spending time upholding the illusion of your power rather than exercising the power you actually have despite your deficiencies.

Though I am not scared about my second project and the inevitable comparison that will follow, I was scared of not forgiving myself for not handling the situations, feelings and people who have come my way in the last 2 years better.  As everything starts within myself, I knew this would have a negative effect on how A.C.E. took shape.  My fears were realised, but they have also taught me that these things happen.  Things do go spectacularly wrong.  I always say you can’t please everyone, but I really learnt what that meant recently.  I am finally finding peace with where I am from the lessons learnt. I am rekindling my passions, become comfortable once more with uncertainty and I’m ready to lead a sojourn into the unknown.  I can’t wait to find out what we will find through A.C.E. together!

For more information about BongoHive, Lusaka’s Innovation and Technology Hub and the talks and programs they offer, visit their website and like them on Facebook.

A.C.E. will officially be launching early October so keep checking in for posts and follow our journey on Instagram.

Want to chat more about this and anything else on the blog, about A.C.E. or anything else you can find me on Twitter.

For more about the A.C.E. Project, follow the blog, where this article was originally posted, and follow ZeDream Team on Instagram.

Leadership Poker: Trumping with A.C.E.

Chipolopolo Fans a a game. They featured in establishing scenes about the
importance of football to Zambia in my documentary e18hteam (eighteam)

Over the past couple of months, I have had a series of conversations and experiences at events that have convinced me even more that A.C.E. is the right way to professionally deal with what is going on around me and in the world today, in my own small way.

The first major instance was a Twitter conversation I had with the talented and insightful Zambian songbird Chembo about representation at the first TEDx Eucalyptus Road in Lusaka. Her contention with the organisation of the event by Bloom Management was that there were non-black faces being streamed from abroad as part of the experience.  I contested that the important thing was that there was a high representation of women, particularly in the on-site break out sessions to discuss the themes, which is still unusual for Zambian events.  We agreed to disagree, as she feels strongly that black people/ Zambians should speak to their own people.  I agree to some extent, foreign and mostly non-black faces and organisations are given  far too much freedom to come and tell us how to be ourselves without consultation or understanding of who we are, what we need and what we need to do to get to where we want to go.  I feel however, that sometimes issues like Black Lives Matter, an issue borne from a minority status and amplified worldwide due to the fact that Western Media dominates global media, can obscure reality. We also are prone to jump on the cause bandwagon, designing events round things like HeForShe to show we do care about women, but not to actually really do the work to give women and girls their rightful chance to find their place in society.

We here in Zambia are in the majority, identifying as Black.  When you go to events and hear speakers, the majority of them are usually black/ Zambian.  The problem is they are almost always all men, and a lot of the time its the same recycled speakers unless it is dubbed a women’s event and even then there may not be a female majority. I think it is important to focus on what is salient here, not to bring issues from other places and erroneously conflate them out of solidarity, or issues brought from experiences elsewhere. I do think it is important for young Zambian women to see people who look like them doing more than myopic destiny expected of us. And I do believe both men and women need to give the female perspective chance and also realise sometimes it’s not about gender but about knowledge. Same with race. Does it matter the delivery vessel if the truth is being spoken?! I attended the TEDx event and had a transcendental experience in the breakout session with CEO of COMESA‘s business council Sandra Uwera, who I need to follow up with about encouraging Africans to buy local and products made on the continent and how this ties to how we see ourselves. I enjoyed that fact that she was in a powerful position and from her questions and comments it was clear she was qualified for her job and was the right choice to moderate. If that had not been the case however, I would have written about how disappointed I was. She made me proud to be an African Woman in the world today trying to move things forward.  She is #goals!

Earlier this month, I organised at Modzi Arts thanks to Founder Julia Kaseka’s openess to the idea of showing my documentary e18hteam, with a discussion afterwards about Zambian identity, the future of youth in the country, and the importance of art in public discourse.  The day of, Zesco did not disappoint and was annoyingly and stereotypically inconveniencing, deciding to loadshed that area for the first time in Modzi Art history.  Though we didn’t show film, Samba Yonga and Tangu Msimiko were great panelists with insightful contributions and Julia was an awesome moderator.  During the talk, an audience member asked if I had chosen the panel to be all female on purpose. I have had many conversations about how to ensure better representation and I am not for putting a woman on the panel just to have one. I believe in equality and equity.  If you select the requisite people to speak on the right things I think it will all balance out. If there are no qualified women, don’t force the issue and end up fulfilling another stereotype that women are given opportunities by affirmative action without qualification.  However, I do believe at this time, if you have the choice with equally qualified people, I think one should tend to favour the ladies over the gentlemen, till diverse panels are the norm. In the case of my event, I picked Samba because her company Ku-Atenga Media is one of the reasons my documentary has been well recieved and successful and she knows the film and its journey inside out. I chose Tangu because she reached out to me about mentorship and is interested in creating discourse between creatives as well as in the mechanics of film distribution. We also happened to represent young Zambia being in our 20s and 30s.  Giving women a platform to speak was a coincidental bonus.

Modzi was able to screen the film the next day and I spoke with the audience after and the conversation focused on the fact that we as Zambians need to realise that the Chipolopolo’s story reflects who we are as a people. I have had interactions with young Zambians during and after the elections where they have expressed fear that the legacy of the Freedom Fighters and the current administration will be lack of agency for those of us who follow them.  That they have no place in the country, and that efforts to belong are futile.  I reminded the audience that just like the Zambian National Football Team, we have bounced back from other tragedies such as the deaths of two of our Presidents in the last 10 years, by coming together and persevering peacefully.  I also noted that despite being blindsided continuously with things like loadshedding descending upon us without warning repeatedly ad infinitum, ad nauseum, we continue to innovate and find ways to carry on and succeed.  We did not give in after the day before’s debacle, we rescheduled and made time to have the event properly.  In our lives, we know we have it inside us to surmount the challenges thrown at us and eventually find the strength to keep moving.  Unbeknownst to me, there was a young, Caucasian American lady moved by my impassioned oratory.  She took the opportunity to express how my words gave her hope for the USA, as she wrapped her head round Donald Trump being President-Elect at the edict of her people. She was elevated to tears (I don’t believe crying is a reduction by default but can also be a expression of your strength to being open to expressing vulnerability unabashedly) as she spoke and apologised.  I told her there was nothing to be contrite about, as we are all living through these trying times and it is important to reach out to one another however we can, wherever we are.  I first went to America after September 11th and remember how people rallied together and was present during the first memorial commemorating the tragedy.  I have no doubt America will recognise its greatness and make lemonade out of this this current batch of lemons and slay like Beyonce.

This brings me back to my original sentiments that I expressed to Chembo.  You can learn and be inspired by anyone.  I think opportunities globally should be given to qualified people of all races, colours, creeds, gender, sexual orientation and identities, because as humans, our strength is in our diversity and we all have something to offer.  I think it is important to distinguish between local and global issues surrounding misrepresentation and the flat out blocking of certain perspectives and voices so we intervene and rig for the good accordingly, not to just jump on some cause’s bandwagon for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we need to give voice to those that irk, confuse or have differing opinions or appearance, so long as the intent is to not to promote hate, intolerance and to divide to rule and profit selfishly.  Even if the outcome is agreeing to disagree, I think there is much to learn from our differences and solutions to the worlds problems will continue to come from finding common ground. Tonight my film is showing at the Southern African Institute in Basel and has been given the honour of being the Opening Night screening to officially start the Zambia in Motion Festival.  The aim of the festival is to bring the curated history to life through indigenous voices, to a Swiss audience.  The fact that a tiny country a quarter of the world away is preserving our history and is reaching out to better understand who we are is beautiful.  It is the essence of what A.C.E. is all about: Cultural exchange. Building bridges. Learning from history. Making new paths. Learning and growing together.

Leading is not only about taking care of your own, but its also about reaching out to the other side to gain understanding, to lend a helping hand and above all letting love guide us to conquer all.  We need more of this in the world right now. How are you going to spread the feels and bring people together? What are you going to do to bring about understanding, empowerment and opportunity?

For inspiration, watch e18hteam on video on demand anytime, anywhere online here.

For more on the A.C.E project, bookmark the blog, where this article first appeared, and follow it and ZeDream Team on Instagram.

Content Single Girl Love Musings: Love. Sex. Marriage. Babies. Part I

Stanford Reunion in Soton with one of my little ones Ahmed

So I start with Love. I believe that God: the energy that rules us all, what ultimately the universe is all about, and what creates (and destroys when at its most twisted), is Love. It is the ultimate ideal in life.  I am a hopeless romantic.  Which is why I am single.  I refuse to settle and all the men out there should be happy because I do not have that most exalted of feminine qualities: a high tolerance for bullshit because you know, he loves me, I know it and that's all that matters of course; no matter how dastardly he is and how abominably he treats me. How people see things is of no import because, in the end, you don't know what really goes on in a relationship unless you are in it.  Yes, I am being facetious. Seriously though, love is not suffering, though you will be tested repeatedly ad infinitum. Love is, at its core, at its most pure, and at its zenith, kind. So why is it set up to make women miserable by duping them into believing that the ultimate goal is to best express this most coveted of human virtues through marriage?! It then is extremely, and in many instances, unavoidably susceptible to metamorphosing into its opposite; the most detrimental of vices. That's how people get their hearts broken, lose their faith in people, in themselves, and in life. People devolve into vindictiveness, disillusionment, meaness and cray cray to misguidedly allay and assuage abysmally.

Recently, I read this article that talked about how married men and single women are the happiest with their situation.  I believe it. Love and marriage are two very different things.  You don't have to be in love to marry, or to make such a contract work. Many who are in love are miserable after they tie the knot and there are those who have spent a lifetime together adoring each other without needing paper to certify their union.  Don't get me wrong, I think the idea of marriage, or without the label: spending a lifetime building, evolving and caring for someone, is beautiful.  It's work though. Everyday. It's an infinite and limitless commitment. Love over a lifetime, whatever form it takes is hard. It's unglamarous. It's unconditional - which means compromise, empathy, humility, faith, tenacity, and evolution are key.  You need grit to keep laying the road to continue the journey, wherever it leads.  When romantic, it's not the wedding, which is a drop in the ocean of moments that you will live through. Neither is it the honeymoon, which is why they talk about the honeymoon period.

Like I eluded to a couple of thoughts ago, Love does not only lead to this contract either.  It is multifaceted and can be expressed in so many ways platonically. It is unlimited in its iterations. There is also beauty in it being finite. Not every Love requires a lifetime to be expressed.  Time is a social construct and a moment can have more meaning than years of perceived bliss. You can do and feel more in a love that has a beginning and an end that one that drags on forever.  See?! Hopelessly romantic.  And it is because of this fact that I am single and I'm sure why many look at me as too idealistic and if I just...but I will not settle. Life is far to short to waste time doing that. Why? Because I have and continue to experience infinitely better love, everyday, in the platonic sphere than I ever have in the romantic, to date.  I will add this is not entirely my or my ex-boyfriends' fault. Those poor men were only acting in a way that was normal and expected.  They followed the script and so did I.  It took me a long time to figure out society sets women up to fail to get what they deserve, because they are led to believe they want certain things.  Patriarchy is Love's anathema. I now have pretty informed ideas of what I want and need.  I have an understanding of how a romantic relationship fits into the tapestry of love already extant in my life,  just haven't gotten round to figuring out how to jumpstart that process because I am a workaholic and I have so many people to care for me. I am not susceptible to grabbing onto anything just so I can feel like I am adored once in a while. I thank the heavens for that.

I have blogged before about how my family and friends are my most treasured possession.  I will above and beyond for them and vice versa.  These are the people I can lean on when times are rough, who do not judge me (or if they do it's from a positive, constructive, loving place).  Even if they disagree with facets of my life or my actions, they agree with me as a package by respecting my choices and allowing for the inherently flawed nature all we humans are burdened with. The male species I tend to attract try to surreptitiously trick me into becoming some sort of trophy.  They try to attack the very core of who I am, the things I am most proud of about myself and what I have achieved, in order to create the idea of me they think I should be. (The more conservative of my family try that tack too. Without tact. Ehk! But I can easily deal with that nonsense.)  There is nothing more painful than the realisation that this person, whom by the very nature of your relationship holds a special place in your social circle, turns out to be your number one enemy.  Whether its not deliberate or insidiously by design, it is heartbreaking. Even though I can see how and why you have acted this way, I am not forgiving because you can choose to rise above it and act authentically lovingly. The long and short of it  is that you actually really don't like me if you are trying so hard to break me and turn me into something else.  Please go and find that person, as that person is clearly not me.  And that is okay.  Why are you trying to force me to be that person and suffer your cruelty even if it is not your intention?! This dynamic is beyond me but anyhoo...

I love me, what I do and how I do it.  The people around the world who care for me already love all of that too.  In knowing this I am pretty confident of this much: romantic Love will never be enough for me to give that all up.  I am not going to be that special someone's everything and leave my friends, my career, my intelligence and my joie de vivre behind. And I don't want to be their everything either. That is an unnecessary and unrealistic set up.  Humans are viscerally social.  Confining them to being social with just one person is just a set up for disaster.  This is when people act up. At the core of it, they are looking to fill the voids that their partner cannot. Whatever the configuration, monogamous or not, heterosexual or otherwise, (I do not judge, do what works for you OPENLY please), it is important to communicate what this Love is and what function it has in your life in relation to all the other Love from family and friends, as well as to the things you like to do and experience.  There is so much in the world: so many people, places, activities, opportunities for growth, stimuli to create, innovate and enjoy in Love. Why we should aspire to reduce the only way to interact with these gifts and experiences through one relationship is ludicrous.  It's creepy too as that is what leads people to do psycho and underhanded things under the banner of romance in the pursuit and name of Love!

I believe that the person you decide to spend a lifetime with should slot in to your network to fulfill a specific, indispensable purpose, not to take over everything and vice versa.  And the reason that married men tend to be happier is they get everything they want, armed with societal norms and pressure, particularly emotionally.  Too many have not  been brought up well and callously disregard the other side in their relationships.  Which is why they even get jealous of their own children taking up their wives' time.  You are going to compete with a helpless baby and get your knickers in bunch, throw tantrums and hissy fits because you aren't always the centre of attention and I'm supposed to respect you?! What kind of Oedipal crazy are women duped into?! You partner ends up being your first child and you are supposed to sleep with him and leave him to head the household as men are more logical, and intelligent and unemotional. WTF?! Society has done a disservice to men by not allowing them to develop into human beings that understand themselves and others emotional needs and has led then to believe they act with logic when they don't. Society has done a disservice to women by saying that bearing the cross is the feminine ideal. That managing male stunted growth makes us martyrs.  That love is suffering and being able to take and shovel poop is our lot in life. I refuse to subscribe to that.

I'd rather enjoy the fact that I am well taken care of by those that I already love.  Most recently that has manifested primarily in: the Beb Gails (baby girls in a Zambian accent) being rocks I can lean on so I can stand tall. Continuing to live with my mother so we can watch over each other and not let our workaholic ways get the better of us. Travelling to the UK to spend Christmas with my younger sister, the love of my life and my number one cheerleader.  Working on self love and treating myself to good food, travel and new clothes. Workationing in Ghana and having an African Stanford reunions with everyone using their skills to build me back up as I do the same for them.  I am about to go to Naija and do the same. I have been housed, fed, loved, pampered, spoilt silly while being challenged, admonished and checked before I wreck myself too.  These people see the best in me and where, and when I can be and do better, they have let me know and are helping me get there.  And they value what I do for them too.  The reason I picked Ahmed to embody this visually is because he travelled for 5 hours from London to Southampton on Christmas Eve to see me for one hour. We hadn't seen each other in seven and a half years.  He then squeezed in another hour by meeting me at Heathrow before my flight.  This is typical of my friends, regardless of gender.  If we are travelling and we can find a way to meet, we do, because we spend many years and even decades between meets and so we make the most of every second.  I have never experienced that kind of dedication from a romantic partner consistently, over a long period of time, to work on and continually cultivate our relationship. Ever. I have been expected to bend over backwards and not get the same in return because I am the problem. They have never understood how my life works or how I operate and express love.  I have been punished for having grown up on 3 continents and lived a great life.  That is not Love. That's some twisted ish I do not want to know about.

So I am happy and content as a single girl, being a problem, around the world, with people who love me unconditionally. I am having a ball unapologetically!  Like I, said I believe God is Love. So I think that it is important to have Love underpin anything and everything that you do in order to honour your faith. I even sleep lovingly and everyone knows how I love my slumber and naperoos.  I don't have to wait for "the One" to do that.  That is just one of the many ways available to humanity to express ourselves and the blessing of life.  The possibility of being able to use that avenue excites me, and because I respect that union, I do not take bonding with someone in that way lightly no matter how fleeting or how long that Love is expressed. Though it troubles many in my life that there isn't a someone special like that in my life, I say to them: it will be when it will be.  In the meantime, I continue to be open to the possibility for that person to join the party so as to manifest Love romantically in a way that I cannot in platonic relationships, while acing it with the amazing people: friends and family I am privileged to have in my life, and sharing love through the work that I do.

I wish you the all the permutations of Love you deserve and I hope that you honour life by sharing the caring everyday, however and whenever you can xo!

To keep up-to-date with this series follow the instructions here. For mini insight-fests, positing and working through stuff, follow me on Instagram.  You can continue this conversation or chat to me about anything and everything on Twitter. To find out how I take action with love professionally, like my new Facebook page!

Open Diary: NG-ma tales, NGangsta Moves

Last year I explained how my moods and well-being can be described on a spectrum based on the these two extremes: NGangsta and NG-ma. This year, I am determined to be NGansta and move forward with dedication because NG-ma will make sure I take care of myself.  Part of that self care involves writing.  I use my blog as an open diary, a way to vent, hash out things weighing on me, to find meaning in the chaos and beauty in life: from the crazy to the heavenly, the mundane to the extraordinary.  As I expand my ken, change my views and adopt new ways, I hope to elucidate ideas for not only myself, but if I can, for others too.  If my sojourns down the rabbit hole lead others to Wonderland, cool! I really do enjoy helping others while helping myself he he. 

I have been thinking a lot about African, global, societal norms, tradition and culture surrounding love, marriage and babies over the last year.  There has been a surge in weddings and births in my social circles around the world.  Many of them, particularly the women, have posted testimonials about their experiences.  They have also shared interesting articles about these major life milestones too. I have been amazed, entertained, shocked, not surprised, disheartened and encouraged by the conversations that have percolated, over-boiled and simmered perfectly around these issues.  I have found that for the educated, progressive, exposed and or well-travelled of female sex, navigating love, marriage and babies in the current milieu is a minefield.  The current global trend of gender equality would have us believe that all is righted in the world.  The reality is that things are only starting to shift.  Even if your partner at home is understanding, earthlings in general are not.  Many still think these "new" ways, ideas, interpretations and positions are alien.  There are a lot of people on both ends freaking out, and the backlash and fighting is fierce. 

Let me state clearly that gender equality and equity is ultimately about choice.  Allowing for a spectrum.  If you believe in traditional roles, good for you, work with that.  I do not negate your views in choosing to want different, or for feeling that certain ways, beliefs and maxims are derogatory and subjugating.  The point is to agree to disagree and to create space for individual decisions for our collective well-being as humanity. That means going beyond tolerance, but actively allowing expression through manifested understanding, catalysed by validating different ways to do, be and act.  That being said, I have been traumatised by quite an ugly shift in local and global contexts, as patriarchy fights back in reaction to feminist movements gaining new fervour, backing and efficacy.  I have also had very interesting conversations about gender, sexuality, identity, self expression, tradition, modernity and culture that I would like to ponder a little more. This has mostly happened on Twitter, so I would like to delve deeper into these issues in a way that 140 characters disallows.  I need an unlimited canvas to use my paintbrush to paint more detailed portraits.

This is a section of the walls inside
a popular Accra Night club, from the
high ceilings to the floor. So beautiful!

I thought Things on Thursday was a good place to launch, as these be no small tings now. So over the next few weeks and months I'm cutting through the black and white of societal norms and delving into the grey:

Woolgather Wednesday will feature ruminations and illuminations through my Love. Sex. Marriage. Babies. series.

Twit Tuesday will be a hodgepodge of profound nonsense that I have tweeted about that I would like to expound on.

It's going to be awesome possum. I know I'm going to have oodles and poodles of fun doing this. So this Dorothy is taking that tornado out of Kansas and I can't wait to see what lies somewhere over the rainbow... 

For mini insight-fests, positing and working through stuff follow me on Instagram and Twitter. To find out how I take action around these issues publicly, like my new Facebook page!

Dios Mio! - How my Deo Became my Salvation

This tweet reminded me of an profoundly nonsensical incident that sent me into a tail spin a couple of months ago:

This is why I only know real men. Those that seek out the truth and aren't afraid to learn, grow and face tough issues. Yaaaaaaaasssss! https://t.co/bvPlYUR3eI

— Ngosa Whoopi Chungu (@whoops_c) October 1, 2016

So in August I started using the male version of my antiperspirant.  Not by choice, but because my body is very finicky and this particular brand is the only one it doesn't react to. Problem is I'm also extremely sensitive to smell.  When I put it on I had the most visceral and adverse reaction to it.  The smell clobbered my senses and sent me into a man-hating stupor.  Seriously!  My sister found it hilarious, but at the time it was traumatic. I can only laugh at myself in retrospect.  The smell is that typical alpha male scent that deodorants tend to have.  That  puerile odor that is supposed to capture the quintessentially male essence.  The one teenagers spray all over their bodies like in that famous brand, that rhymes with fax and was formally known by the name of a type of cat, ads. I felt physically, emotionally and mentally assaulted.  It was nuts! Yes my deodorant had me in conniptions and discombobulated smh...

Eventually the horrendous ordeal made me think about why I had had such a strong and unpleasant reaction to it.  At this point the Zambian election was imminent.  I was on a social media detox because I just couldn't take all the crazy - mostly discourse informed and led by initiatives, speeches and comments of male origin, conjured up to maintain power and oppress in every way, shape and form.  I realised I am done with entertaining that in the slightest. I do not need that in my life, let alone emanating from my armpit! The scent was a trigger to direct me to something much larger. Paradoxically the oppression led to my salvation and enfranchisement.

I choose me! For more visual empowerment
follow me on Instagram. I have been creating
a serious of mini projects using images to grow,
inspire and work through things.

After realising that it was the deodorant but wasn't really about deodorant, I got to thinking about how I could change how I viewed the situation.  Instead of man-bashing, I should continue to empower myself and find a new way of dealing with such assaults for my health.  My new project A.C.E. is all about that so instead of just working it, I needed to keep living it too.  I cannot be baited into a less productive way of dealing with the current gender situation in my country and the world.  For my project to be honest I need to continually and actively do things in my own life to empower myself, and to not let patriarchy and the asinine acts of men affect me so. I cannot allow myself to be sucked into hate because of my environment.  Love must prevail! I must keep the peace and maintain well-being in my life too.

I had already started with things like this:

#JusticeForChiChi! @nukwasetembo posted her painting to illustrate her call for #Zambia to wake up and step up our feminist movement. We will not be brutalised! Sexual assault should not be watched and enjoyed by bystanders like sport. Nor should it be filmed and circulated for entertainment! Gender Based Violence is a serious infringement of human rights. I refuse to watch the video and hope that the Police use it as evidence in Nagaad's case. Stay woke people. Don't be distracted by Trump and Brexit while crazy is happening on your own doorstep. 🔫🔪❌❤❤❤✔🎨😍 #proudlyzambian #africa #woman #acrylic #painting #art #therapy #activism #staywoke #aceproject #JusticeForNagaad

A photo posted by Ngosa Whoopi Chungu (@whoops.c) on Jun 30, 2016 at 3:55am PDT

And plan to continue, as I did after I recovered from this trippy incident, with things like this:

😤😤😤 #mondaymotivation #zambia people it's hot. Stepped out today in shorts and relatives afraid of me being lynched. I only went to @BongoHive, not like I was prancing about town where I know regardless of what is rational I'd be stoned. One thing I do know is I am not asking for it and in no way carry myself so. I'm just regulating my temperature as our weather climbs the 30Cs. I refuse for small minds to cage me into overheating. Why should I have to be correcting for your backwardness and patriarchal oppression? I have said this would be a mission for years. It definitely is now. Started inadvertently last week and what are considered short and disrespectful wardrobe choices (any dress, skirt or shorts above the knee and/or tight) are going to be a mainstay this hot season.  For more start following @aceprojectzed as we are about to launch our first mini project and start conversations about nuance, freedom of expression and respect. #proudlyzambian #africa #mafashio #fashionista #style #activism #thestruggleisreal #aceproject #purplereign #ngosa34 #melanin #thighsforjeaux

A photo posted by Ngosa Whoopi Chungu (@whoops.c) on Sep 12, 2016 at 7:39am PDT

I. JUST. CAN'T. ANYMORE! Life is too short to let other people's issues throw you off so. So I choose me. I choose my sanity.  I choose self care.  I choose to fight. I choose to have my frustration ignite a new passion for change.  And together we will win. There is space enough for us to all to be, and do, with respect to one another.  That tweet reminded me that even though the bloviated rhetoric of lesser men tends to be amplified, there are lots of beautiful men out there, and in my life, who prove that there is a way to equality, equity and equanimity without oppression.

To all the real men out there I salute you, and to all the women out there fighting for our right to be, I'm with you sisters xo! I forgive my deodorant, it's not its fault it smells like an idiot. If you want to talk more about this or anything else, tweet me! 

Tikambe Natulande Part 2

I expressed in Part 1 what a mind*bleep* filming this episode of the vanguard television series produced by Samba Yonga for BBC Media Action was. Even though this post is part of my Things on Thursday series, this is no small thing let me tell you. Are they ever with me ;)?

Youth Counsellor Nancy Mweene and I on set filming our
episode. Photo Credit: PR Girl

I think the most shocking part of the experience for me was the fact that a father felt that it was okay to stick his penis inside his daughter's vagina to teach her about how sex is not to be taken lightly and that she was too young to have intercourse.  That he was able to get aroused in order to penetrate her.  That despite her cries he still went on to rape her.  The despicable act was in no way consensual on her part. That he then ejaculated into his hands so he could mix his sperm with traditional herbs in order to make some juju concoction to rub on her stomach, so if she did have sex, she would get stuck to the dastardly boy who was in cahoots with her, so they could catch them both in the act and reprimand them accordingly! You can't make this kind of crackpot crazy up! I. JUST. CAN'T. As far as I know, the girl did not contract an STD or worse ended up pregnant only to be come the mother/ sister to her brother-incest child! It is pure luck that her once innocent soul was not forced to suffer any more than it already has been burdened with.

I could not express myself quite that bluntly on camera, as Zambia is still in the dark ages. We couldn't even use scientific, technical terms in order to really depict just how heinous a situation this poor young girl was in and what trauma she faced. I am known to not have any brakes, but I was not going to jeopardise the initiative by not finding a way to get this important message out. Her story was more important than any agenda of mine. I was quite annoyed I couldn't quite articulate myself as clearly and as freely  as censorship is a huge part of the problem.  We need to talk openly about sex because clearly we are having it and it was revealed as the Tikambe Natulande season unfolded that children much younger than 10 are experimenting, because we aren't creating safe spaces to chat about this natural and important part of our lives.  This is almost a year since I filmed the episode and I am still shaken, angry and disturbed that this is not a singular case, but there are thousands around the country being disciplined along this spectrum of sexual perversion in the name of tradition and good parenting.  This is not who we are.  We are so lost in Zambia that those with any sort of power abuse it in the most devious and evil ways. We have to do better.  What future do we have if our youth are continuously blighted by the most unnecessary of traumas. Unadulterated, blunt, uncensored truth serum is required to not only be  prescribed, but actually dispensed in bucketloads like Cod Liver Oil. Not teaspoons or tablespoons but bucketloads.  It won't go down well, but it will be good for us.  We just need to suck it up and get on with curing ourselves of this hush hush syndrome that is crippling us.

Here is the episode and you can watch the rest of the season on the Tikambe Natulande Channel:

If you would like to talk more about this, tweet me and for professional advice on sexual reproductive health issues and for resources near you in Zambia, contact the Tikambe team on Facebook or Twitter.

Tikambe Natulande Part I

If you follow me on social media, you will know that I am one of the 10 celebrity (ehk, that word, but that is what they have referred to all of us as, and everyone else rightly deserves it, soooo) guest presenters on the newly created, groundbreaking show Tikambe, part of a youth-led initiative Tikambe Natulande (Let's Talk in Nyanja and Bemba) that started off as a radio show with social media platforms.

Selfie with crew after the show.  I was styled by Mafashio
in Kamanga Wear from their Zambia Fashion Week 2015
Collection. 

This Restless Development and BBC Media Action programme, which is also funded by the Swedish Government, is produced by Samba Yonga, whom if you have kept up with the blog, is a dear friend and a media force to be reckoned with here in Zambia.  My episode has already aired, and the series is currently showing on Fridays at 21:30 on ZNBC TV1. If you missed out, then here is some insight into my episode and the trailers to get you joining the conversation online, and tuning in from now on:

Tonight's guest on my ‪#‎TikambeTV‬ show is filmmaker Ngosa Chungu and we had a nice little chat about how we got to this episode:

Me: Can you talk about landing the role on this show and a bit about the interview process?

Ngosa: Samba Yonga (Tikambe TV show producer) is a close friend and we were having our usual monthly lunch and catch up when she told me about this new project she was working on: turning ‪#‎Tikambe‬ the radio show into a TV show. She asked me if I had listened to it before and I had randomly stumbled upon it on the radio while driving a couple of times.

She then told me some of the guests and the format and I thought it was great and wished her all the best. She then asked if I would be one of the presenters and I was like are you sure, I don't think I am a celebrity! Who knows me and why would they listen to what I have to say?!

Me: Why do you think you were perfect for the show?

Ngosa: When Samba told me that the reason she would like me to contribute was because I am not afraid to speak my mind, and that is needed desperately right now when it comes to youth and sexual reproductive health issues, I couldn't say no.

If there are people who are able to talk about sensitive issues because they see me do so without any qualms, that is a good thing. I also like a challenge and I'm committed to continuing to grow personally and within the communities I can affect, so I asked for a really tough subject to really make the most of this opportunity and be of assistance.

Me: Can you share one secret about behind-the-scenes when filming the episode?

Ngosa: I was so emotional that I was in tears pretty much the whole episode. I really did not want anyone to see me cry, or to ruin everything by being unintelligible. All I wanted to do was stomp around and throw things in anger because I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I felt so much for the brave youth telling her story. I was a mess, an absolute wreck! I held the chair a lot I think to steady myself.

Me: What are your thoughts on the topic on tonight's episode?

Ngosa: Children do not ask to be born. They end up in this world because men and women carelessly, or thoughtfully, come together and create life. Regardless, it is up to all of us to ensure that once they get here, they are protected until they can fend for themselves. Anyone who takes advantage of a child is the most despicable of the human race. There is no excuse for it and it is a glaring consequence of our collective failure as society. It means something is broken and if we do not take care to check such individuals and prevent further trauma, we are all accountable. It is NEVER the child's fault. It is those in power who are allowed to act in such ways because we do nothing to deter them.

Me: Did this spark any personal ambitions yet unattained?

Ngosa: It reminded me that I have a fire inside that can be used to do more. I am very passionate about my work and the people I love. I have now been opened up to doing things of impact in a more public fashion that mean something. I plan to be more and more engaged and this has actually influenced my next project which will be revealed soon. I am less afraid of being out there I guess, but only for the right reasons naturally.

TIKAMBE SHOW TV OFFICIAL TRAILERThe #TikambeTV show has officially been launched. See the trailer below... Watch the first episode tomorrow on ZNBC TV1 at 20:30hrs and#LetsTalk #Tikambe
Posted by Tikambe Natulande on Thursday, 10 March 2016

To keep up-to-date with Tikambe, as well my other projects in Zambia and globally, follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Women's Month Recap

Yes I am appreciating designer Ms KC's posterior.  It was an
eventful women's month what can I say ;}

During Women's Month I was interviewed by Leelee, a twit whom I have come to love dearly.  In saying that I'm probably going to be subject to more crazy and pretence that she is not all cookie dough inside, with some sort of hard exterior comment or a deluge of pseudo-vitriol once she sees this.  We know your secret, you love me too lol. The proof is in the pudding (don't get me started on what a weird saying that is...):

@leelabee clearly are no rules. Transpecies transformation is completely up to you. That's a lot Indian, Brazilian hair & dye in your future

— Ngosa Whoopi Chungu (@whoops_c) April 2, 2016

The conversation started before these tweets was silly, and ended cray cray. Yaaaah...he he he he...

Back to some semblance of normalcy and to the actual point of this post. I enjoyed a recent article of hers and here is an excerpt featuring my answers to her insightful questions:

Q: If you could put on a parade for International Women’s Day, which woman would you put on the main float?

A: I’d put my mother. When I grow up I want to be as graceful, worldly, loving and effective as she is. Despite the constraints of Zambia’s conservatism, she has managed to beat the odds and pursue her dreams.

She raised 3 girls to be strong women and to value education and self-fulfillment, not to just believe that the only role in society females have is to be wives, mothers and children. She showed you can be that and more by being an entrepreneur and recently successfully campaigning to represent Lufwanyama constituency at Parliament. So many people told her she couldn’t do both those things but that didn’t stop her. She’s amazing!

Q: How can young women empower themselves?

A: People may dare to keep you in a box but once you realise the only person who truly puts limits on what you do is you, you have won the battle. If you listen to naysayers you will do nothing. If you look inside yourself to find your potential and the strength to fulfill your dreams, you are empowered and nothing can stop you.

Q: What advice would you give your teenage self?

A: Forget the plan. Life is not about that, it’s about adapting and evolving. If you are rigid, you cannot take the hard knocks and the crazy that will come your way. If you can only succeed when things go your way, you will ultimately fail. If you can’t see beyond what you think you want, you will miss out on great opportunities and will not be exposed to new things and find out that maybe you should go in a different direction. There are many ways to get to what you believe will make life worth living.

Q: How do you define success?

A: Inner peace: No regrets, love from family and friends, passion for life and work that feels like play, contributing positively to the communities you are privileged to be a part of.

Q: What is the best advice a female family member has given you?

A: You are enough. My younger sister tells me that all the time. She is the love of my life and is my number one cheerleader.  She takes me just as I am, as silly, deranged and confused as I may be due to having a creative soul and being a little too cerebral at times.

You can find the whole article with different questions posed to fabulous proudly Zambian women on Leelee's blog.

To keep up-to-date with everything going on with moi and my projects in Zambia and globally, follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Twit Tuesday: #BringBackOurGirls

Thought this picture of Muslim women that I took in Zanzibar in 2011 was
appropriate as many of the mothers asking for the world's assistance are
just as colourfully dressed and  I hope the girls are found and are
able to grow to become happy, educated women too.

Last week one of my Stanford little ones sent me an email imploring me to support the #BringBackOurGirls campaign through a Change.org petition.  This cause is particularly close to her heart as like the girls abducted from Chibok Secondary School, she too is not only Nigerian, but also from the Northern region and Muslim.  She has benefitted from the power of education with it taking her to boarding school in England and to one of the best universities in the world.  She is able to be whoever she wants to be and has never been restricted by her faith or her gender.  She has blossomed uninhibited to be an accomplished independent young woman, in large part due to the support of her family in her endeavours. To witness what has happened at the hands of Boko Haram must be a pain that  is particularly acute for her to bear.  I immediately obliged and then thought what more can I do.

I had already been thirsting to know more, and was wondering why the world had not already covered it the way they had instantly reported on the recent MH370 plane crash, the South Korean Ferry disaster or the on-going political and ethnic unrest in Ukraine.  I think that this issue of human rights and terrorism affects the world as it brings to the fore the issue of human trafficking which has been plaguing world for centuries (albeit in different forms over time) and deserves the same coverage, if not more.   These heinous actions have now gone completely underground, yet millions of adults and children are plucked from their homes all over the world every year and sold and/or forced into some sort of servitude unbeknownst to the average world citizen.  Boko Haram knew this and completely exploited this opportunity to pluck girls so brazenly from the safety of their boarding school, and are proudly talking about this diabolical act and how they seem to have gotten away with it.

Pop culture has taken a stab at bringing this issue to light.  In Taken, a cult mainstream film, Liam Neeson's daughter is abducted in Paris and is drugged and sold for a rich man's entertainment aboard his yacht. He turns over every stone to find her in a manaical rampage.  I recently watched an indie, I am Slave, about a Sudanese girl who is stolen as a child and taken all the way to England with the family who own her.  They give the impression she is employed as a maid, but really has been taken against her will, and has grown up unpaid and worked like a horse.  Both movies rocked me to my core.  The thought of things like this happening as we go about life is extremely troubling and scary.  There are so many layers to our world, many unseen, sinister, and dangerous. 

None of the girls are so lucky as to have a CIA trained father to use his contacts and experience to free them, and luckily some of the girls were able to escape like the girl in I am Slave was eventually able to do. Fortunately, they have parents who love them, who are outraged that the Nigerian government and military did nothing to protect them even though there are reports that they were forewarned.  They started a social media campaign on Twitter through the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls.  It has taken weeks for the world at large to respond.  Now the news is filled with colourful images of mothers in mourning.  I wonder whether they may have found comfort sooner, if Nigerian and global support had come earlier.

I have just heard about an event here in Lusaka to be held this Saturday, 17th May, from 09:30 to 12:00 at the Civic Centre.  The hope is to get Zambians more involved in helping and being more informed about the current situation and the larger issues the Chibok girls have brought to light.  There will be children marching in support and various knowledgeable people speaking about the issues at hand.

I will write more about this after the event and once I know more about what we are doing here in Zambia.  In the meantime, you can keep abreast with all information, social media and petitions to do with the Chibok girls at BringBackOurGirls.com and about the Zambia Cares campaign here.

#ZambiaCares #BringBackOurGirls event will be held on SATURDAY 17TH MAY, 09:00 - 12:00, CIVIC CENTRE, CHURCH ROAD, LUSAKA. All are welcome to attend and lend their support :)